I do, but not you.

My first attempt at 55 Fiction. 

Thoughts of the one he was leaving behind invaded his mind. He looked at his beautiful bride. Rita was beaming. He looked away, turning his gaze to his best man. His sister was getting married and his face suggested sense of loss.

"I Ronald Phillips, take Robert Adams to be my wife".

"My brother?".

A woman writes to the IT support for Assistance

I received this as a forwarded email. No idea who the creative author is or...maybe it really did happen ; )

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as! NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep ! in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. vbs and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend! : Cooking 3..0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Just for Laughs: The Chinese Way

This what I do when I need a good laugh: Read Ads on the Shanghai Classifieds, Personal Column.

Pretty Babe looking for discreet relationship in Shanghai

Maybe you want to meet a pretty woman of your dream, who looks like a Barby, maybe the first look has any sense for somebody, hmmm...But I feel myself like a little kitten in sole, which wants to get a maximum from life. I like extreme. Are you nice, polite person with tender touch to women? That's good. It will be a pleasure for me to meet a cheerful partner for my discreet relationship in Shanghai. We are definitely can be friends and maybe more...I believe in you, my Romeo!

Babe

Looking for Muscular Man

Gay, Chinese, 21,66Kg, pudong district, Shanghai; for mature or muscle men. only for friends or more. LTR oriented but meanwhile fun is great too. Drop me a line if you are interested. Please don't contact me if sex is the only thing you looking for. meanwhile, if you want to improve ur chinese, i can help you alot, am graduated from university.

A Little Young Chinese Girl Living Alone in Shanghai

Hi,this is susy,22 years old...NORMAL,neat freak,VERY healthy,NO smoke,light drink,NO use make-up,a LITTLE chinese girl(162cm 45kg), maybe we can chat online(sometime online during 7:00p.m to 9:00p.m)

Seeking for a Girlfriend

A China man, single now, 37 y/o, 167cm, 55kg, and serious looking for a smart girl friend in Shanghai, and develop our future together. If you are interesting to make a friend with me step by step, please you feel free to let me know more things about you. Thanks for your attention.

I am not too sure if people do respond to these ads. There are even worse ones where the writer sounds so sincere, sadly I just wanna laugh. There are some girls who would highlight the fact that they are not interested in Chinese men and would only prefer men of a specific nationality. And there are the men who want women of a specific size and height. There are the others who write really long essays or resumes even to get hooked.

Innocence

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Love you...Love you NOT...

The following were the entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for a two line rhyme; with the most romantic first line and a least romantic second line.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss. I slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought I could love no other -- That is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I love you smile, your face and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. I want to feel your sweet embrace. Don't ever take that paper bag off your face.

9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you, no words can tell. Except for maybe 'Go to hell'.

11. What inspired this amorous poem? Two parts vodka and one part lime.

Romance is in the air ;)

Maybe its just me

Relationships are tiresome, requires loads of effort from the self and the involved party to maintain a fairly good one. Friendships are one of the many relationships or perhaps the only relationship that I am able to relate to with much comfort.

Beginning with my parents, they broke the parent-child relationship and created the friendship so that I will be comfortable in conversing with them. Their methodology appears to be working finely, even after twenty years. Being a single child, I ended up growing up with friends.

And there is another group who fall under this huge category called "extended family members". They simply poke their noses into our lives every Diwali, to update their previous Diwali's "Chart of Family Facts'! They comment, compliment(hoping you return the something of a similar nature), brainwash you into investing in their new family business, reconcile with the ones they quarrelled with the previous Diwali. (Now why do think they reconciled, the social status of some have heightened!)

Couples, Marriages, boyfriend, girlfriend, that sorta relationship was something I wished the world never created! (OK Perhaps not, thanx to such a thing I have great parents). My mom went against her family and married a foreigner. My dad left his country to be with the love of his life. Easy going, supportive, loving and with little disputes thrown in; my parents lead a rather charming, interesting life together. Then again, it never did inspire me to attain a similar life. I grew up with an Anti-marriage notion. I disapprove of flamboyant weddings! A waste of time, energy and definitely $$$$$! Only later to sign another sheet of paper stating DIVORCE! (And I still do wonder why weddings are grand and divorces not....why not hold a expensive party for the "I am single now" declaration?)I find it extremely tiring to lead a life full of compromises, obligations and lets see......adapting to the fact that you will have to share your things with someone now???

Relationships cannot be avoided, we need one another to survive. However, if you are lucky with the relationships you create they last long..and some are just plain acquaintances with individuals who view life in a different light.

Like I said, maybe its just me.....ten years down the road, I see myself holding a scalpel ready to slice a skull open :) Now thats life! :)