Entertainment Today!

Because I should be studying, and also because this is the best time to come up with ridiculous posts so as to avoid the texts that lay before me: I write about my fictional love life heading downhill.

It started with Josh Groban. I am not sure if he is still interested in pretty girls or boys? 10% hope lingers on...

Continued with James McAvoy, who chose to get married even before I could express myself.

Wentworth Miller entered thy life and I wrote two letters. Yeah, something that never took off with McAvoy, thing is: now I hear rumors of him being interested in pretty boys as well. :(( Heartbreaking I know.

While I was still nursing the pain of Miller and choosing a deaf ear to all rumors, Jim Parsons entered. Yes, the tall lanky, intelligent kid from The Big Bang Theory. And Guess what? He is engaged to a Phillip!

What do I do now?

I am betting on Joseph Gordon- Lewitt. One reason cos he reminds me of an ex-flame who goes by the name  Keanu Reeves and another cos it was love at first sight from the film, 500 Days of Summer.  :-)

Note: All these guys who might google their own name and come across this post; please feel free to clarify at the comments section. 

Chocolates of a Different Kind

This particular store screamed Australia from every corner of it. Till I entered and realised it was not Australia but rather New Zealand. I can never differentiate. Oh well, they had loads of stuff that ranged from aborigine accessories, postcards, shawls even. (can shawls be made using sheepskin? I ain't no idea.) And then there was this chocolate corner. What was fascinaiting was the packaging the candies came in. The packaging was hilarious I decided to buy myself one. (Will be visiting the store to get the rest one by one. Yes, I've kinda decided to collect the boxes the chocolates came with. hehe..) They come in fancy bags too, hence making ideal gifts. ;-)

This is what it says on the cover:

Helps you avoid thinking about 'it' for up to 15 minutes! (below the girthControlCHOCOLATE)

For control of those unexpected urges.

DIRECTIONS: Simply break off the desired dosage and consume. You should quickly be overcome by stress-relieving endorphins and no longer concerned about 'those' thoughts.

WARNING: If you experience a hot flush, do not loosen clothing under any circumstances, as this will aggravate your condition.

(and in really small font at the bottom of the package reads...)

IMPORTANT: THIS PACKET IS PROTECTED BY A TAMPER-EVIDENT PAPERWRAP. IF SEAL HAS BEEN BROKEN SUSPECT EVERYONE. GIRTH CONTROL CHOCOLATE IS HABIT FORMING.

(the very last line right at the bottom reads...)

FOR BEST RESULTS CONSUME FREQUENTLY.

(on the inner wrapper, before you get to the chocolate bar, there are some lines to greet you too..)

Important Note from BLOOMBERRY & CO.

As you will soon discover, this is no ordinary chocolate bar. The whole experience has been created to tantalize your tastebuds, seduce your senses and satisfy your cravings.

The chocolate in taste however was not extraordinary. It tasted just as how a milk chocolate should taste like. :-D I liked it though. The packaging is the highlight at the end of the day. The ingredients state the chocolate was made from cane sugar (I'm not sure if cane sugar makes a difference cos I personally didn't sense any) from Australia, milk from New Zealand and cocoa solids from Malaysia. Perfectly safe for consumption. Probably even more so ideal if you are having those urges. ;-) I ain't no havin' urges of any kind, but I did consume the chocolate frequently thatI finished it under a week! :-o 

For more info, Check out www.bloomsberry.com 

He - Amudan Law

Back in 2010, 29th March, two students who went by the names Samantha He(to be pronounced as her) and Usha Amudan who were bored beyond any form of reasoning during their Biochemistry lecture; discovered the new He-Amudan Law or otherwise known as the "Blah" Effect.

The following Equation illustrates the "Blah" Effect: B = 1/A

No. of "blahs"s (B) are inversely proportional to the Percentage of Content Absorption (A) by the Student. This would produce a linear descending curve. In other words as the number of "Blahs" in the students' head increases, the percentage he absorbs from the class is reduced drastically.

As the amount of information moves from across the classroom  towards the sleep deprived bored kid, he subconsciously replaces every word the Professor says (with so much conviction) into an alternate form; the "blah" form. When this transformation takes place, the absorption of the information in the air is reduced both in content and at pretty much insignificant sound waves.

What is not obvious from the graph is that, the creative side of the brain overwhelms the student during the "blah" Effect. This has been often misinterpreted as the "Zoning out stage" which is of course incorrect as the geniuses of this law have proven.

Many academicians,especially the ones with multiple qualifications and zero social life, argue that though the creative side taking over might be a good thing, the student is losing out so much information that is required of him. To counter that Amudan recommends the institutions to send their students back home for the day if they were to be diagnosed with the "Blah" Effect. The counter solution might be viewed as an useless one however, that is not the case. As the inventors of the law, being students themselves have clarified the solution further.

Amudan says, "Whilst in class, the student is left with very little to do besides experiencing the "blah" effect. However, things change once they are put in a comfortable location without the voice of the Professor and with the aid of engaging stuff, say for example, video games. At this point the student's brain cells are re-stimulated. After an hour of playing, we go seek glucose for the brain. Food pretty much. Then soon we are on our feet all set to tackle the texts. Unless a curriculum is written around the factors I mentioned, I'm sorry to say the "blah" Effect will take over the student body."

As Amudan was further questioned on the possibility of an exciting professor and an engaging class:"Well at that point, the "Crap" Effect takes over. This involves the student memorising every single crap the textbook carries. Then again, the "Blah" Effect is still present in a subtle form", finishes Amudan.

Some of the rare cases have been individuals in the teaching professions who were noticed with the symptoms of the "Blah" Effect. Notably the ones who were teaching an entire lecture hall of nerds.

Note: The "Blah Effect" is contagious and individuals should be handled with care.

(D)ADdition

Image courtesy: www.fotolog.com

Miss. Rose: Here is two dollars.

Dan: OK…

Miss. Rose: Let’s say your father had given you $8 earlier. Together with what I just gave you, how much do you have now?

Dan: $2…

Miss. Rose: !!!  

Dan: ….

Miss. Rose: You don’t know Addition!

Dan: You don’t know my Dad!

Cruella De' Vil Conquered it all!

Cruelle doesn't belong here!

Cruella De Vil lost her title. Another took over. My new Anatomy Professor is a devil in disguise. She is scary. When I say a Professor is scary. I really mean it. She is the new Cruella De Vil. She is teaching us till the end of the semester. Another 5 lessons of 2 odd hours each. I highly doubt my ability to survive right under her nose.

Since I can remember I have never sat in the front of a classroom. Largely cos of my height, also co I will be hidden when I am dozing off or simply just zoning out. BUT TODAY, she made me sit right in front of her. I politely sated, someone already sat there. That bugger as usual was late so no one was occupying the seat at that point. Well, I was not letting it off easily. I suggested sitting,  a row behind the front row.

"NO!" Cruella 's voice boomed in that mini Anatomy lab.

A dead body would have jerked.

"Damn! This sucks!" - Now that would me.

So there I was sitting right in front of the Professor. She suddenly stuck out a model of a cerebellum and approached one of the students and asked him to name the parts.

The clever one replied nonchalantly "I was not here for the last lesson".

The Prof this time, "Well, since you care to miss it I assume you could study on your own."

"F***"- That would be me again on that victim's behalf.

She is screwing us big time. Before I could even turn away from the scene, the cerebellum took form before my eyes.

"So, you tell me".

Crap! I was not there the previous lesson too. I can't use that same reason can I?

"Errr...I am not too sure." What 'not sure'? I had no idea what the freakin' names were!! "I am sorry", I whispered.

I couldn't hear my own voice. Now, that hardly happens.

"Nothing? Do you know when your exams are?", that was Cruella of course.

Of course I know when my exams are. 2 weeks. I don't want you telling me that!

Obviously, I didn't say that out loud. All I really wanted to do was, sit on her. Why sit you may ask. Imagine a Sumo wrestler sitting on you, do you really think you would be able to defend yourself or at least try to escape? No. Cos there ain't no way out when sandwiched under a Sumo Wrestler. However, at this point, there was no way out for me.

I ain't no Sumo Big Butt and she was Cruella!

A pair of red socks

Fudan Medicine - International Students' Organisation organised a Christmas Party for the International Students. It was the first of its kind in the campus, so there was a huge hype and professors were invited for the opening. To my utter horror, the "international" party was hosted in Chinese! There I was wondering out aloud "Isn't this an international students' party? Why are they speaking in Chinese?". To that came the reply, "You are in China". I should have known.

I was rather impressed with the foreign students and their proficiency in a foreign tongue. And of course, when the introduction of the newly arrived undergraduates came on, I was both an embarassment to the Chinese Language and myself. There were several events lined up. I'm just gonna just touch on what I thought were the "highlights" of the entire event.

They had the musical chair. The students were running in circles and suddenly there was a loud "BOOM!" sound followed by a smell similar to that of burning plastic. The massive speakers busted. LOL..ok maybe it was not funny..but seriously it was hilarious at that point.

There were a couple of Indian/ Nepalese dances, I am not too sure which nationality the dance was suppose to represent. The attire resembled that of Indian saris, but the music that was playing - I had no idea what the lyrics meant :s

Finally, Santa arrived. We went to get our gifts. Where did Santa got all his gifts? Well, every student had to bring a gift and it was all put together in a huge bag. Later, Santa redistributes them. Yes, I can hear you go "What if you get the same thing you bought?". Chances of that happening is kinda low. Though, if you spent a good amount of cash getting a fancy gift and Santa handed you a stapler and eraser; I'm sorry my friend. You probably appeared in his Naughty List. You have one bad investment right there.

Guess what my gift was. You were right. Or maybe your brain responds slower than I assumed and you didn't quite guess :P Either way, Santa gave me A pair of red socks. Thats right. A pair of red socks.  Compared to the gift, I bought, it probably was a monetary loss on my part. But, you know what the best thing about the gift was: I wanted a pair of socks. (Maybe not red in color. )It was getting colder by the way, and I was reminding myself to get socks later in the day. And I got a pair for free. :D

There we were, getting all excited over gifts and getting ready to leave for home. The whole lot of students who were present were getting their photos taken. They invited our class over to join in. We agreed.

What is a celebration without mischief? Since, Santa has already given me my gift; I decided to return to the naughty list :D My friend and myself armed ourselves with the Spray cans. She had the fake snow with a really bad chemical smell and I grabbed this can that read "Flower Spray". We were kinda tall so we took the back row, the cameraman went 'Say Cheese' my can went "PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTT!!". Out came a whole rush of massive yellow stuff accompanied with Shouts of "Ohmigod", "What the hell" and some other words in languages I couldn't decipher. These supposed "flowery" stuff were bigger than the fake snow. The screams got louder. This is actually fun I thought. I got excited; which lead to another round of "PSSSSSSSSSST": It was raining yellow. Santa was yellow from top to toe and people began dispersing from the original pose meant for the photograph.

Suddenly it hit me (kinda late I know): I don't even know these guys. What if they were pissed with the yellow avalanche? Well if they laughed about it thats fine. But I can't be sure right. Next thing I knew, I dashed for the door and so no one knew who caused it to rain yellow. ;) Oh yeah, before I forget, they party was fun. ;)

PS: I had my Red Christmas Socks on while writing this.

In conversation

Over lunch the other day:

Sam: What is it that we can do if we have only a month to live?

Jan and Me: Rob a Bank!

Sam: Awesome!

We as medical students have officially lost our minds. Please do not look for us if a bank does get robbed in Shanghai.

I do, but not you.

My first attempt at 55 Fiction. 

Thoughts of the one he was leaving behind invaded his mind. He looked at his beautiful bride. Rita was beaming. He looked away, turning his gaze to his best man. His sister was getting married and his face suggested sense of loss.

"I Ronald Phillips, take Robert Adams to be my wife".

"My brother?".

A woman writes to the IT support for Assistance

I received this as a forwarded email. No idea who the creative author is or...maybe it really did happen ; )

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as! NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system..

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Reply

DEAR Madam,

First, keep ! in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. vbs and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.

We recommend! : Cooking 3..0 and Good Looks 7.7.

Good Luck Madam!

Kaboom!

The above picture illustrates a Brain Blast.
It has been identified as an aftermath of a particular Anatomy Class.

DO NOT mess with kids!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher was saying how it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human given its small throat. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I go to heaven, I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if he went to hell?". The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children as they were drawing. She approached one girl who was working diligently. She asked the girl what she was drawing. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God". The teacher paused and said "But no one knows how God looks like". Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her 5 and 6 year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honor' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat brothers and sisters?" One little boy (the oldest of the family) answered, "Thou shall not kill".

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer she's a lawyer', or 'Thats Michael, he's a doctor'." A small voice at the back of the room said, "And there's the teacher and she is dead".

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood will rush into and my face will turn red." "Yes", the class agreed. "Then why is it that when I am standing in an ordinary position, the blood doesn't rush to my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cos your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up at the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the tables was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and pasted it on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching'. Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note that read: 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Just for Laughs: The Chinese Way

This what I do when I need a good laugh: Read Ads on the Shanghai Classifieds, Personal Column.

Pretty Babe looking for discreet relationship in Shanghai

Maybe you want to meet a pretty woman of your dream, who looks like a Barby, maybe the first look has any sense for somebody, hmmm...But I feel myself like a little kitten in sole, which wants to get a maximum from life. I like extreme. Are you nice, polite person with tender touch to women? That's good. It will be a pleasure for me to meet a cheerful partner for my discreet relationship in Shanghai. We are definitely can be friends and maybe more...I believe in you, my Romeo!

Babe

Looking for Muscular Man

Gay, Chinese, 21,66Kg, pudong district, Shanghai; for mature or muscle men. only for friends or more. LTR oriented but meanwhile fun is great too. Drop me a line if you are interested. Please don't contact me if sex is the only thing you looking for. meanwhile, if you want to improve ur chinese, i can help you alot, am graduated from university.

A Little Young Chinese Girl Living Alone in Shanghai

Hi,this is susy,22 years old...NORMAL,neat freak,VERY healthy,NO smoke,light drink,NO use make-up,a LITTLE chinese girl(162cm 45kg), maybe we can chat online(sometime online during 7:00p.m to 9:00p.m)

Seeking for a Girlfriend

A China man, single now, 37 y/o, 167cm, 55kg, and serious looking for a smart girl friend in Shanghai, and develop our future together. If you are interesting to make a friend with me step by step, please you feel free to let me know more things about you. Thanks for your attention.

I am not too sure if people do respond to these ads. There are even worse ones where the writer sounds so sincere, sadly I just wanna laugh. There are some girls who would highlight the fact that they are not interested in Chinese men and would only prefer men of a specific nationality. And there are the men who want women of a specific size and height. There are the others who write really long essays or resumes even to get hooked.

Can you relate to this?

Innocence

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" 

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Welcome to Cheena-land

Conned on the streets?
Half the websites are banned?
With Hotmail being the recent one?
Welcome to Cheena-Land.

Then again there is another side to it.

Yikes! Did someone just spit on the ground?
Oh Crap! He just cut the queue before me!
Hey! You are pushing me to rush for the seats!
Welcome to Cheena-Land.

The final side.

BARGAIN!!!!!!

DVDs are Freaking Cheap!
One can travel in cabs all their life and not be broke!
Welcome to Cheena-Land once again.

These fellas just amuse me :D

Love you...Love you NOT...

The following were the entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for a two line rhyme; with the most romantic first line and a least romantic second line.

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss. I slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought I could love no other -- That is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I love you smile, your face and your eyes. Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

8. I want to feel your sweet embrace. Don't ever take that paper bag off your face.

9. My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you, no words can tell. Except for maybe 'Go to hell'.

11. What inspired this amorous poem? Two parts vodka and one part lime.

Romance is in the air ;)

Do you really wanna be late again? ;)

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.

He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while people waited. "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place.

The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss' wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled! But as the days went on, I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation, giving his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him for confession!"

Lying is a Strict NO-NO!

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained.

"Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully. The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Dear Daddy...

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, "Dad."

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands.

..................

"Dear, Dad ,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight Motorcycle clothes, red hair and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the wonderful passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has plenty of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many, many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. 

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son,

Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.

I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.

PS:PS: LOL ;)